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He gets excited about war, chocolate cake, and Maria Bartiromo, in that order

April 13, 2017

 

So Trump just sat down for an interview with Fox Business Network's Maria Bartiromo, who asked all the tough questions, including "Right," "Yes," and "Absolutely. And the American people know it, I think."

 

She came so close to fellating Trump, you got the sick hunch that Steve and Reince were crouched behind a credenza somewhere nearby fluffing each other with Statler and Waldorf hand puppets in anticipation of their turn.

 

For the most part it was Trump boilerplate: Taking credit for jobs he had nothing to do with, calling policies he has no hope of ever understanding a "disaster," implying Hillary Clinton should be in prison, and just generally lying and exaggerating like an illiterate 9-year-old trying to do an oral book report on The Brothers Karamazov.

 

Then he had his "let-me-eat-cake" moment:

 

TRUMP: But I will tell you, only because you've treated me so good for so long, I have to (INAUDIBLE) right? I was sitting at the table. We had finished dinner. We're now having dessert. And we had the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you've ever seen and President Xi was enjoying it. And I was given the message from the generals that the ships are locked and loaded, what do you do? And we made a determination to do it, so the missiles were on the way. And I said, Mr. President, let me explain something to you. This was during dessert. We've just fired 59 missiles, all of which hit, by the way, unbelievable, from, you know, hundreds of miles away, all of which hit, amazing.

BARTIROMO: Unmanned? Brilliant.

TRUMP: It's so incredible. It's brilliant. It's genius. Our technology, our equipment, is better than anybody by a factor of five. I mean look, we have, in terms of technology, nobody can even come close to competing.

 

So before Trump was president, he claimed our military was a "disaster" and America couldn't do anything right, and now we're actually hitting targets with unmanned missiles (as opposed to all the manned missiles Barack Obama foolishly launched into Lake Ontario). Geez, what's changed between then and now? Yes! Trump has singlehandedly made our missiles functional again! They hit things!

 

But most importantly, why is he mixing his war porn with his food porn? The military strike, which actually killed people and failed to achieve whatever tenuous objective it might have had (it was a disaster!), should be discussed in hushed, respectful tones, not peppered with references to the glorified Entenmann's he serves at his restaurants.

 

When Trump finally, inevitably does kill us all, let's sincerely hope he's nevertheless able to enjoy his muffin.

 

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