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Meet Aldous J. Pennyfarthing

Since their madcap Wharton School days, Aldous J. Pennyfarthing has been Donald J. Trump’s chief bête noire and business rival. Today, he serves as the CEO and sole proprietor of Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s Comestibles & Sundries, a going international concern that is worth, according to the most reliable subjective estimates, in excess of TEN BILLION DOLLARS.

 

In contrast to Mr. Trump’s shambolic bearing, appearance, and comportment, Pennyfarthing is a natty hail-fellow-well-met and a gentleman. He resorts to the fatuous japery contained in this web-log out of a sincere love for country, and he deeply regrets any comparison of Mr. Trump’s squalid outward aspect to that of an improperly nourished proboscis monkey fetus.

 

Where appropriate, Pennyfarthing affects the prose style of a state school–educated, flyover-country vulgarian. As the roughneck Mr. Lincoln understood during his own campaign to preserve the dignity and viability of the Union, some well-considered compromises can be an unsavory means to a salutary end. In other words, when the leader of the free world is a demonstrably risible clown fart, Providence demands that one spare no vitriol.