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Because even David Copperfield wasn't lame enough to make an aircraft carrier disappear

April 19, 2017

The Situation Room

 

Over the weekend, while Donald Trump was playing my-dad-can-beat-up-your-dad with Kim Jong-un, he claimed he was sending "an armada" to the Korean Peninsula.

 

While he was making his threats, the aircraft carrier group he was referring to was literally sailing in the opposite direction.

 

It's anyone's guess why an aircraft carrier crew would countermand the commander-in-chief's direct orders and sail away from danger. Maybe one of the boatswain's mates had bone spurs in his heels. Maybe the captain switched his GPS's voice setting to "drunk Tom Waits" and didn't know where the fuck he was. Who knows?

 

But remember when President Obama saluted a Marine with a coffee cup in his hand and conservatives reacted like a herd of Tennessee fainting goats who'd just seen Dick Cheney naked?* You'd have thought he'd signed an executive order turning every Quaker Steak & Lube in the country into a madrasa. Well, your guy just sent an aircraft carrier to the wrong fucking ocean

 

Maybe it's a good thing Trump dodged the draft. If you can lose an aircraft carrier and bankrupt a casino company, fragging Bob Hope at a USO show is hardly out of the question.

 

*There are no verified naked photos of Dick Cheney online, but one can only assume he looks like a mesh laundry bag full of skin tags and elk jerky.

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