First of all, I want to extend a huge thank-you to all the readers who helped launch my latest blog post, “Dear Fucking Lunatic: An open letter to Donald Trump,” into a quasi-viral orbit. The post came straight from the black, bloodless knot of necrotic tissue I infrequently call a heart, and it was extremely gratifying to see my own boiled-over manic rage resonate with so many similarly tormented folks.
My only regret is that I was unable to credibly shoehorn the phrase “smegma-festooned fuckwit” anywhere into my humble screed. (Better luck next time, “fuckwit”!)
Thanks again, and great love to all in the resistance.
Now, back to shit-for-brains.
Most of you have probably read either Michael Wolff’s book excerpt in New York magazine, or his first-person account of his days in Trumpland, or both.
One of the many jaw-dropping segments from the NYMag excerpt was this:
[Roger] Ailes, a veteran of the Nixon, Reagan, and Bush 41 administrations, tried to impress on Trump the need to create a White House structure that could serve and protect him. “You need a son of a bitch as your chief of staff,” he told Trump. “And you need a son of a bitch who knows Washington. You’ll want to be your own son of a bitch, but you don’t know Washington.” Ailes had a suggestion: John Boehner, who had stepped down as Speaker of the House only a year earlier.
“Who’s that?” asked Trump.
Now, many right-wingers, including Trump’s own halfwit son, Derp Throat, are claiming this is proof that Wolff’s book is simply another brick in the ongoing liberal, deep-state conspiracy — and thus everything in it should be dismissed out of hand. There’s no way Trump doesn’t know who Boehner is! He’s tweeted about him, and even golfed with him once! FAKE NEWS!
Okay, but …
1) Trump golfed with Boehner in 2013 and hasn’t mentioned him on Twitter since October 2015. Trump’s skull has soaked in so much low-end hair product since then, his head should be declared a Superfund site. His brain is basically a hog’s bladder full of Prell. Why would anyone expect him to remember anything?
Indeed, in today’s Hollywood Reporter piece, Wolff all but stated that Trump is suffering from dementia:
"There was more: Everybody was painfully aware of the increasing pace of his repetitions. It used to be inside of 30 minutes he'd repeat, word-for-word and expression-for-expression, the same three stories — now it was within 10 minutes. Indeed, many of his tweets were the product of his repetitions — he just couldn't stop saying something."
"At Mar-a-Lago, just before the new year, a heavily made-up Trump failed to recognize a succession of old friends."
So if Trump looked in the mirror and asked why that creepy Orange Liberace keeps staring at his dick, it wouldn’t be all that surprising. Why should we be surprised that he he’s forgotten who John Boehner is?
2) Trump pays no attention to anyone — not really, anyway. He’s as self-absorbed a human as there’s ever been. Why is it so hard to believe he could golf with someone without ever learning his name?
3) Finally (and I happen to think this is the most likely explanation), while Trump has the attention span of a toddler and the body of a 90-year-old seal fetus soaked in half a jar of formaldehyde, he has the temperament of a teenager. Boehner pronounces his name “BAY-ner,” but a child with boners on the brain would likely default to the more phonetic pronunciation. So when Ailes recommended John BAY-ner, it may not have registered with Trump, who knew him only as “Jim Boner.”
And I know that’s an outlandish theory, but it’s far more plausible than the accusation that Wolff — who had a great deal of access and taped many of his conversations with his sources — is simply making up stories to embarrass a man who publicly shits himself daily.
Anyway, if only 10 percent of what’s in Wolff’s book is true, we’re in deep, deep trouble — as if that weren’t already obvious.