Today is the five-year anniversary of a watershed moment in our nation’s history.
July 4, 1776, may be the day our nation was born, but October 24, 2012, is the day it reached adolescence and jerked off to the bra ads in the JC Penney fall catalog for the first time.
Yes, that’s the day Donald Trump — then a nascent crazy f*ck, but still an ordinary citizen — announced what he had promoted days earlier as “something very, very big concerning the president of the United States,” claiming it could “possibly” affect the coming election.
Here’s a portion of what he said:
“President Obama is the least transparent president in the history of this country. There’s never been anything like it. We know very little about our president. I’m very honored to have gotten him to release his long-form birth certificate, or whatever it may be.
“Now, many, many people have questions, and very serious questions. I have a deal for the president — a deal that I don’t believe he can refuse, and I hope he doesn’t. If Barack Obama opens up and gives his college records and applications, and if he gives his passport applications and records, I will give to a charity of his choice — inner city children in Chicago, American Cancer Society, AIDS research, anything he wants — a check, immediately, for $5 million.
“The check will be given within one hour after he releases all of the records so stated. He’ll be doing a great service for the country if he does this. If he releases these records, it will end the question, and indeed the anger, of many Americans. They’ll know something about their president. Their president will become transparent, like other presidents.”
Of course, Trump is now president, and though no one had any legitimate reason in 2012 to question Obama’s college record or his citizenship, there’s lots of evidence that Trump has a very small — and extremely syphilitic — wang.
First of all, if you go by the high burden of proof that Trump himself relies on, it’s an open and shut case. A lot of people are saying he has a diseased micropenis, and many, many Americans have very serious questions. Indeed, many of our best border agents say he regularly drives to Tijuana with his 1.2 inches of weaponized candy corn poised between his legs.
Not only that, we have all these very solid reasons to believe Trump is packing a miniaturized WMD in his pantaloons:
He has regularly boasted about the number of sexual partners he’s had, and has admitted to both cheating on his own wife and seducing the wives of other men.
He seems to be desperately overcompensating for some sort of perceived shortcoming, going so far as to invite nuclear war with a foreign leader he has dubbed — in a textbook case of projection — “Little Rocket Man.”
He felt the need to defend the size of his member in a nationally televised debate — something a man with an average- or above-average-sized penis would never do.
If untreated, syphilis leads to a progressive neurological disease that causes madness. We appear to be witnessing this phenomenon in real time. Here are some of the symptoms of neurosyphilis, all of which Trump has exhibited, and which suggest his pathology is really quite advanced: confusion, disorientation, changes in mental stability, irritability, memory problems, mood disturbances, muscle atrophy, poor concentration.
And then there’s this portrait, which Trump may or may not have posed for.
That’s five bullet points. How many did Trump have when he was trying to out Obama as a Kenyan impostor? Probably not that many.
We have a lot of questions — a lot of serious questions. Trump never released his complete health records, and his unreleased tax returns could very well reveal numerous business deductions for penis-lengthening herbs or creams. We don’t know, but he could clear this up in 30 seconds. And if he does, we’ll come through with a $5 million check to his charitable foundation.*
Mr. Trump, it’s time to gird your tiny, pestilent loins and be “frank” with the American people.
We need answers now. Your alleged micropenis and likely bout of syphilis threaten the security of our country.
Come on. What are you hiding?