Alex Jones and Roger Stone — who are about 20 minutes away from cutting off their own ears and mailing them to each other — speculated on Jones’ radio program yesterday that Chief of Staff John Kelly might be drugging Donald Trump, presumably to make him more docile and malleable:
JONES: By what time — when people are talking to him, at what times is [Trump] slurring his words?
STONE: He is slurring his words on various times, and that’s what's concerning. Let’s be very clear: I have a source at The New York Times, a reporter who expressed to me a concern that in a conversation they had on the phone with the president that he was slurring his words. The president does not drink. The president certainly does not do drugs. The president is sharp as a tack. Now, let’s give some credibility to —
JONES: Let me stop you. Let me stop you. When I’ve had conversations with him it’s like he’s speaking like an actor. It’s so precise and so smooth, exactly, then you hear he’s slurring his words. It’s like, “Woah.”
STONE: Now, in the president’s defense, could he be exhausted? Yeah, he works very hard for the country. He is passionate about his desire for an economic revival, for a boom. He said it to me, “Wait and see. You’ll see. When I get my 15 percent tax rate this economy is going to cook like nothing you’ve ever seen, it will be the greatest advance in job creation this country’s ever seen.” He is deeply committed and passionate about this. But I have now heard not from one, but two different sources, that he seemed disoriented and was slurring his speech in conversations. To me this is a tipoff that he may be being medicated. Is General [John] Kelly above this? No.
Separately, Jones claimed that someone in the administration could be slipping the mickeys into Trump’s Diet Cokes.
Sadly, the craziest part of the above excerpt is Stone saying the president is “sharp as a tack.” He’s talking about the president of the United States, incidentally. As in Trump. So, yeah ...
Of course, Ockham’s razor would suggest that maybe Trump just needs to get some sleep, or that the pressure of the job has gotten to him, or that he’s not actually “sharp as a tack” and never has been. So there’s really no legitimate reason to suspect John Kelly has launched Operation Hibernate. Unfortunately.
But if he were to drug Trump’s Diet Cokes, we have plenty of suggestions, apart from the obvious (i.e., Tanqueray and giraffe tranquilizer):
Cannabis: Dude needs to chill out, big-league. A high-THC indica strain would be ideal. Maybe a blackberry kush. While he’s at it, Kelly could dose Jeff Sessions before he gives another speech like this.
Mushrooms: Research conducted by Johns Hopkins University found that psilocybin, the active ingredient in magic mushrooms, can alter one’s personality over a long period of time, and maybe even permanently. And if there’s one thing Trump needs, it’s a personality transplant:
People given psilocybin, the compound in "magic mushrooms" that causes hallucinations and feelings of transcendence, demonstrated a more "open" personality after their experience, an effect that persisted for at least 14 months. Openness is a psychological term referring to an appreciation for new experiences. People who are more open tend to have broad imaginations and value emotion, art and curiosity.
This personality warp is unusual, said study researcher Katherine MacLean, because personality rarely changes much after the age of 25 or 30. (In fact, one recent study found that by first grade our personalities are set pretty much for life.)
"This is one of the first studies to show that you actually can change adult personality," said MacLean, a postdoctoral researcher at The Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine.
LSD: After psychedelics spilled over from the controlled setting of laboratories into the ‘60s counterculture, the federal government shut down legitimate research on the drug, claiming it had no therapeutic value and posed a high potential for abuse. That’s a shame, because it showed a lot of promise. LSD could even force Trump to reevaluate his parochial, unimaginative, half-assed approach to his presidency:
Beyond the studies, there is a small community of people who are using LSD to self-medicate through micro-dosing, or consuming tiny portions of the drug. There’s no scientific rigor to their work. But in articles and on Internet message boards, these users claim to have experienced some success in using LSD to improve focus, concentration, memory and creativity. In James Fadiman’s “The Psychedelic Explorer’s Guide,” regular acid users said small doses helped them work harder and smarter. Some Silicon Valley workers are taking the drug to increase their productivity.
Even famous Americans have linked their use of psychedelics to major creative breakthroughs. Steve Jobs famously said that taking LSD “was one of the most important things in my life.”
MDMA (ecstasy): Ecstasy famously makes people more empathetic and compassionate, at least temporarily. It may also be effective for treating psychological trauma. Who knows what the hell happened to Trump to make him like this, but whatever it is, he could use a substantial dose of compassion.
Alcohol?: It may be dangerous to prescribe even a small dose of alcohol for someone who’s already this erratic and emotionally abusive, but it’s worth mentioning that three of the biggest a-holes of our time — Trump, Bill O’Reilly, and Ted Nugent — are teetotalers. Is that just a coincidence? Who knows? Hey, a gin and tonic might relax Trump. Or at least put him to sleep before his nightly Twitter time. And honestly, could he get any worse than he already is?