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10 really stupid things you have to believe to keep supporting Trump

August 23, 2017

 

If we ever do have another major terrorist attack on U.S. soil, look out. Last night’s Trump rally in Arizona was a little like watching Adolf Hitler jerk off to the Reichstag fire. Can you imagine if Sauron’s orcs got even more worked up?

 

Trump’s supporters were so besotted on bilious racism and Keystone Light, he could have screwed Mayor McCheese onstage in a Hillary for America T-shirt and no one would have batted an eye.

 

For 77 minutes Trump was a sputtering gelatinous cube of lies and shamelessness, and he had his Borg hive eating huge piles of sun-dried offal out of his tiny hand.

 

The most shameful part of his speech, of course, was when he quoted from his first statement on the white supremacist terror attack in Charlottesville while omitting the one part — “on many sides, on many sides” — that everyone objected to.

 

That’s like doing a feature story on the Hindenburg without mentioning the explosion. 

 

But the Trumpites ate it up like manna.

 

They’ve been doing a lot of that lately. The first rule of Trumpism is that Trump never lies. The second rule of Trumpism is that, even if Trump does lie, at least he’s not Hillary.

 

Here are 10 absurd things Trump’s cultists vehemently believe that keep them trusting in their ocher savior:

 

1. Trump has singlehandedly turned the job market around: First of all, we’re still operating under Obama’s budget. Trump hasn’t passed a budget yet, and he’s signed precisely zero pieces of major economic legislation. The only truly remarkable accomplishment would have been driving a surging economy into the ditch in just six months. Second of all, Trump’s rate of job creation so far is actually somewhat lower than Obama’s. Trump keeps bragging about the million jobs he created, but he’s actually created fewer jobs in his first six months than Obama did in his last six months. In fact, Trump has averaged fewer jobs per month than Obama did in his past seven years

 

2. The GDP was never this high under Obama: Last night, Trump said, “So we have a GDP, it was shocking, about two weeks ago it was announced for the quarter: 2.6 percent. Remember, I said we're going to try and hit 3 percent? We're already at 2.6. Maybe I'll have to increase my offer.” Obama’s economy achieved higher than 2.6 percent quarterly growth 14 times and higher than 3 percent growth eight times. Meanwhile, first-quarter GDP growth under Trump was an anemic 1.2 percent.

 

3. The stock market is surging because of Trump: It is higher, yes — for now — but 1) how many Trump supporters are significantly invested in the stock market? 2) has it risen because of Trump or because of Obama’s healthy economy? 3) where will it be in a few years? 4) didn’t Trump himself claim just last year that the stock market was in a dangerous bubble? 5) how many Trump supporters are aware that the stock market nearly tripled under Obama?

 

4. Trumpcare would have covered more people for less money and given them better insurance: No one who has taken even a cursory look at any of the Republican health care plans believes this.

 

5. Our military is already much stronger than it’s ever been: Last night, Trump said, “We've also obtained historic increase in defense spending to prevent and deter conflict. We believe in peace through strength. We’re building up our military like never before.” As noted, Trump hasn’t even passed a budget yet. So what is he talking about? Earlier this month, around the same time he was flinging gold-flecked poo at Kim Jong Un, he tweeted, “My first order as President was to renovate and modernize our nuclear arsenal. It is now far stronger and more powerful than ever before....” Trump was referring to a routine nuclear posture review that the last four presidents have all undertaken. Said Jeffrey Lewis, a nuclear expert at the Middlebury Institute of International Studies, “It’s absurd; this is like — you have to be the biggest hayseed in America to believe this.” Sounds about right.

 

6. Trump isn’t a racist, except when he is: The one thing that separated Trump from the rest of the Republican primary field two years ago was that Trump was willing to wear his racism on his sleeve. It allowed him to build an enthusiastic following among millions of Americans who were resentful about eight years of economic progress under our first black president. Last night, Trump said, “Our movement is a movement built on love. It's love for fellow citizens. It's love for struggling Americans who've been left behind, and love for every American child who deserves a chance to have all of their dreams come true.” Very few people want to admit they’re racists, but a hell of a lot of them sure want to act like racists. Trump is their perfect avatar.

 

7. Trump is brilliant and incredibly successful: He is neither. How do we know he’s not smart? Everything he says. How do we know his success is vastly overblown? He was born rich; his dad secured a $70 million loan guarantee for his first big construction project in Manhattan, essentially ensuring he’d make a profit; he bankrupted several casinos, for God’s sake; and he’s underperformed the real estate market since 1976 by 57 percent, or $13.2 billion. That makes him a loser who was born on third base and now thinks he’s a great athlete because he successfully stole second.

 

8. Clean coal is a thing: There’s no such thing as clean coal, because burning coal without producing significant pollution is essentially impossible. The best way to explain this to a Trump supporter is to say this: “Remember back in the ‘90s when you bought fat-free Doritos and thought you could eat junk food all day without suffering from anal leakage? Clean coal is sort of like that.” Actually, come to think of it, that’s a great analogy for the Trump administration as a whole. Better bookmark this.

 

9. The media are really dishonest. In fact, they’re so dishonest, they turned off their cameras last night while Trump was speaking: During last night’s speech, Trump said, “Oh, that's so funny. Look back there, the live red lights. They're turning those suckers off fast out there. They're turning those lights off fast. Like CNN. CNN does not want its falling viewership to watch what I'm saying tonight, I can tell you.” As Trump was speaking, CNN continued to carry the speech live

 

10. While the media lie, Trump sticks to the truth: Of course, the most ridiculous lie from Trump’s speech was this: “Now, you know what? I'm a person that wants to tell the truth. I'm an honest person, and what I'm saying, you know is exactly right.”

 

LOL!

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