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They say there's gonna be an eclipse on Monday, but I don't think the science is settled

August 18, 2017

 

So Bannon is out, which means one of two things: 1) Hitler Magoo is either trying to quell the shitstorm he stirred up on Tuesday after giving David Duke a reach-around on national television or 2) Bannon finally succeeded in blowing himself and no longer has time for anything else.

 

But for now let’s focus on the future. A bunch of smug, know-it-all scientists say there’s going to be a full solar eclipse on Monday, which makes all of the following scenarios more likely:

 

1) At the moment of totality, the f’d-up Stranger Things universe we’re currently in will give way to the real universe, and we’ll witness Hillary claiming her place in history as one of our greatest presidents while Trump retweets Best Buy coupons to prop up his crumbling business empire.

2) Trump and his supporters, who deeply distrust both the mainstream media and the scientific establishment, will freak out as Lucifer and his minions swallow up the sun. This will give us about a 30-minute window in which to convince them all to leap into volcanoes.

3) The eclipse will be followed by earthquakes, droughts, wars, rumors of wars, the breakup of the animatronic Chuck E. Cheese band at the hands of a now-simply-vindictive Yoko Ono, and a ruinous world war touched off by a territorial dispute over Guam — giving us all a much-needed rest.

 

Needless to say, any of these outcomes would be better than our current reality.

 

But there might not be an eclipse at all because, you know, it’s just their word against ours.

 

They also say that under no circumstances should you stare into the sun. But you should really trust your own instincts on that — especially if you’re the president.

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