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All the amazing things Anthony Scaramucci has seen Donald Trump do

July 21, 2017

 

Anthony Scaramucci, Donald Trump’s new pick for White House communications director, introduced himself at the White House press briefing today.

 

The key takeaway? Donald Trump is a winner, and he’s going to keep on winning.

 

How do we know? Scaramucci said so.

 

"He's the most competitive person I've ever met, okay?” said Scaramucci. “I've seen this guy throw a dead spiral through a tire. I've seen him at Madison Square Garden with a top coat on, he's standing in the key and he's hitting foul shots and swishing them. He sinks three-foot putts."

 

While it’s hard to picture Trump as the consummate athlete, zipping tight spirals and hitting foul shot after foul shot, Scaramucci insists it’s true. In fact, he was far from done.

 

“I’ve seen him pick up a 7-10 split with an 18-pound bowling ball, okay?” Scaramucci later continued. “I’ve seen him hit Reince Priebus in the head with a very heavy marble paperweight. I’ve seen him sit down at a conference table at 7 in the morning and eat 15 bags of Funyuns, with no beverage. I’ve seen him kill a pony with a Jart. I’ve seen him send his grandson’s croquet ball into a yard full of feral cats. I’ve seen him drink the blood of one man from another man’s skull. I’ve seen him snatch a dragonfly out of the air with his tongue. 

 

“I’ve seen him beat an orphan to death with a tennis racket. I’ve seen him drink an entire industrial mixer bowl full of wedding cake batter. I’ve seen him crawl his way out of a beluga whale’s uterus. I’ve seen him play online solitaire for six straight days nonstop until he finally won a game. I’ve seen him force the guy who cleans his chimneys to wear a top hat and call him ‘Gov’na.’ I’ve seen him put money in a jukebox, select ‘We Built This City’ 18 times, and then leave.

 

“I’ve seen him seduce a drunk bridesmaid. I’ve seen him eat an entire chicken whole, feathers and all. I’ve seen him punch a seagull out of the air. I’ve seen him hold a rent-controlled tenant’s head underwater for 11 minutes. I’ve seen him assemble a Russian nesting doll with his feet. I’ve seen him walk into Studio 54 dressed as both Mick and Bianca Jagger. I’ve seen him follow a strict 10-day cleanse in which he ate nothing but Werther’s Originals. I’ve seen him bring Sir Mix-a-Lot to tears with his haunting karaoke rendition of ‘Baby Got Back.’

 

“I’ve seen him geld a Clydesdale with his bare hands. I’ve seen him lash his scullery maid to the prow of his yacht. I’ve seen him stare at the same Magic Eye picture for nine hours. I’ve seen him play Skee-Ball for days until he had enough tickets for the dinosaur eraser.

 

“He’s a winner, okay? That’s why he’s president. Don’t underestimate him. And don’t look up any old tweets I may have tweeted about him on the Twitter. I deleted those for a reason.

 

“I’m thrilled to be here. Good luck to Sean Spicer. He’s my best friend, and Reince Priebus is the greatest White House chief of staff in the history of the universe — for another two weeks at least, at which point we’ll be forced to announce his termination.

 

“Thank you very much. MAGA, baby. Scaramucci out.”

 

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