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More revelations we can soon expect about the Trump Jr.-Russia meeting

July 14, 2017

 

Shoes are dropping in the Russia-Trump affair like pancake makeup from the face of Bill O’Reilly in the sad, lonely days since his “retirement.” 

 

The Trumpites’ account of Donald Trump Jr.’s meeting with Russian lawyer Natalia Veselnitskaya has changed several times already, and this morning NBC News reported that among the previously undisclosed attendees was — D’oh! — a former Soviet spy suspected of having ongoing ties to Russian intelligence.

 

So what are the chances that the current story is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? Slim to none.

 

In fact, here are a few more revelations about the meeting that are sure to be leaked in the next few days or so:

 

  • Sean Spicer was at the meeting hiding inside a hanging asparagus fern.

  • Participants discussed what would be a better name for Crimea — Vladsylvania or Putinstan.

  • Jared Kushner got drunk for the first time in his life after inhaling too close to the Russian spy.

  • Russian-born comedian Yakov Smirnoff opened the meeting with a series of one-liners, including “In Russia, election undermines YOU!”

  • Participants agreed to a memorandum of understanding declaring that Rocky IV was the best of all the Rockys (except for the slanderous third act), and that under a Trump administration all VHS and Betamax copies of Red Dawn would be rounded up and destroyed.

  • Halfway through the meeting, an embarrassed Russian contingent noticed that President Trump had been listening in on his son the entire time over a baby monitor.

  • Participants hammered out a first draft of the NATO SCHMATO Statement.

  • Veselnitskaya brought a Siberian reindeer for Don Jr. to shoot in the parking lot.

  • For some reason Veselnitskaya kept asking Kushner if he’d ever seen The Americans.

  • Ten minutes into the meeting Paul Manafort took a five-minute break to grab a brandy old-fashioned and smoke a pack of Pall Mall unfiltereds.

  • At one point Don Jr. got frustrated and snapped, “No, Paul, I’ve never heard of Ethel Rosenberg! Why do you keep asking me that?”

  • Finally, while it’s true that the primary reason for the meeting was to discuss Russian adoptions, the biggest unanswered question was whether Vladmir Putin, after adopting Donald Trump, would actually be strong enough to carry him around in a Babybjörn.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

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