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Crybaby witch hunter Trump can't stop whining about witch hunts

May 18, 2017

 

We know that Donald Trump is no longer breastfeeding, because his mother died in 2000 — but it's fair to ask whether he's been weaned off his formula.

 

Trump has a peculiar take on history. There's everything that's happened in the universe since an infinitely dense singularity began rapidly expanding 14 billion years ago — and then there's everything that's happened to him, a singularly dense expansion of adipose 70 years in the making. Trump is almost exclusively interested in the latter. That explains his oddly Manichaean worldview, in which everything and everyone is either the worst or the best in the cosmos and/or history (e.g., Scott Baio is the radiant shaft of pure ethereal light piercing the unremitting darkness that is Meryl Streep).

 

This is not only not the greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history, it's not even the greatest witch hunt that Trump himself has been involved in.

 

He gleefully pilloried Hillary Clinton over Benghazi — a witch hunt that wasted millions of dollars, lasted longer than the 9/11 Commission, and turned up precisely zero witches.

 

Here he was last June, concocting an entirely false story about Hillary's Benghazi response:

 

"Among the victims was our late Ambassador Chris Stevens. I mean what she did with him was absolutely horrible. He was left helpless to die as Hillary Clinton soundly slept in her bed. That’s right. When the phone rang, as per the commercial, at 3 in the morning, Hillary Clinton was sleeping."

 

There are five sentences in that paragraph. Four of them are completely made up.

 

And then there was the five-year birther campaign, for which Trump claimed victory because he eventually forced his babysitter to take away the sippy cup he kept flinging across the room. That was a little witch hunt-y, don't you think?

 

So now the poor little misunderstood witch hunter has become the hunted. Let's try to avoid overdosing on our schadenfreude.

 

But before we do that, here's some live footage:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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