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Because wide-eyed wonder over basic facts about the world is cute only in babies, puppies, and reality show hosts

May 11, 2017

Dear Great Britain:

 

Sorry we fucked up your colonies. You can keep the final month's rent and security deposit.

 

There's really no way to describe what it's like to be a lifelong, patriotic American who has to endure reading a Donald Trump interview in the venerable London-based periodical The Economist. It's kind of like being in Oxford to accept an honorary Doctor of Letters and spotting your dad in the audience doing a farmer's blow in a "Make America Great Again" trucker's hat.

 

Trump belongs in the pages of Parade or Us Weekly, or in a brief blurb in Hustler explaining why he couldn't resist sending in a beaver shot of his smokin'-hot old lady. The Economist is kind of over his head.

 

So, yeah, Trump sat down with the magazine recently for an interview. He was accompanied by Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin and Gary Cohn, director of the National Economic Council. They were able to keep him from throwing his sippy cup across the room, but that's about it.

 

Here's an excerpt:

 

The Economist: But beyond that it’s OK if the tax plan increases the deficit?
Trump: It is OK, because it won’t increase it for long. You may have two years where you’ll…you understand the expression “prime the pump”?

The Economist: Yes.
Trump: We have to prime the pump.

The Economist: It’s very Keynesian.
Trump: We’re the highest-taxed nation in the world. Have you heard that expression before, for this particular type of an event?

The Economist: Priming the pump?
Trump: Yeah, have you heard it?

The Economist: Yes.
Trump: Have you heard that expression used before? Because I haven’t heard it. I mean, I just…I came up with it a couple of days ago and I thought it was good. It’s what you have to do.

The Economist: It’s…
Trump: Yeah, what you have to do is you have to put something in before you can get something out.

 

First of all, we're not the highest-taxed nation in the world. He's been saying that for almost two years, and it's still hilariously wrong

 

Secondly, please don't use words like "Keynesian" around Trump. It just pisses him off, and he has bombs now.

 

Finally, priming the pump? You came up with it? Really? Way to plagiarize literally everyone in the English-speaking world. 

 

Good Lord, man. Get some fucking sleep or something. You're embarrassing us. It's like watching Mitt Romney trying to sell drugs at Burning Man. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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