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He thinks the Civil War could have been avoided if only Lincoln had had a phaser ... or something equally as stupid

May 1, 2017

Donald Trump thinks the Civil War could have been circumvented if only slaveholder and fellow brown-person-remover Andrew Jackson had been president a little later. Trump — whose old hickory has been testing the tensile strength of his Emperor Palpatine Underoos ever since he discovered that another racist asshole once became president — claimed that Jackson's "toughness" could have deep-sixed all that brother-fighting-brother unpleasantness:

 

"I mean, had Andrew Jackson been a little later, you wouldn't have had the Civil War. He was a very tough person, but he had a big heart. And he was really angry that — he saw what was happening with regard to the Civil War. He said, 'There's no reason for this.' People don't realize, you know, the Civil War — if you think about it, why? People don't ask that question, but why was there the Civil War? Why could that one not have been worked out?"

 

Jesus Christ. Read a book, you dense motherfucker.

 

The implication, of course, is that all we need is another tough president with an enlarged heart, and all our troubles will be over. Guess who fits the bill?

 

At first glance that seems absurd, but if you bother to do just a few minutes of research you'll soon discover this YouTube video, which proves that Trump's (and Ivanka's!) deft handling of the Celebrity Apprentice Lou Ferrigno-Lisa Lampanelli rift likely prevented Ferrigno from throwing Lampanelli through a wall. A wall! So if you're worried about Kim Jong-un's nuclear arsenal, watch the video below. You'll rest easy from now until we carpet bomb, oh, let's just say Venezuela.

Meanwhile, Trump thinks Congress' system of parliamentary rules — which was put in place primarily to confuse and slow down idiots who model themselves after genocidal 19th century presidents — is "archaic." 

 

So we have to fight that battle now. 

 

 

 

 

 

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