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Because a romance novel cover model with a glistening, leonine mane of hair is a far more serious person than he is

April 8, 2017

This is Fabio:

 

 

This is Fabio after getting hit in the face by a goose on a roller coaster:

 

 

See the look of exasperation and creeping dread on Fabio's blood-soaked face? It's there because, again, this photo was taken shortly after Fabio's head unsuccessfully navigated a flock of birds. Afterward, Fabio recounted the incident with dismay and regret. Why? Because Fabio is very down to earth. He is an ordinary human, with a sober, gimlet-eyed view of the world and his place in it. What Fabio didn't do was claim it was the best roller coaster ride in the history of roller coasters.

 

On a completely unrelated note, yesterday Donald J. Trump said, "I think we've had one of the most successful 13 weeks in the history of the presidency."

 

Let's review:

  • His xenophobic travel ban was struck down, as was its "more moderate" replacement.

  • The FBI announced his campaign is under investigation for possibly colluding with our sworn enemies.

  • His national security adviser was forced to resign just 24 days into his tenure amid scandal.

  • His attempt to repeal and replace Obamacare — an endeavor that he said would be "so easy" — lasted about as long as Bill O'Reilly locked in his office bathroom with the latest copy of CosmoGirl.

 

By the way, Trump hasn't been in office for 13 weeks. It's been less than 11. 

 

And apologies for burying the lede. Here's your Fabio's-head-splatters-random-goose B-roll. The Heisenberg uncertainty principle, which posits that it is impossible to know the location of both Fabio's face and a goose he shredded with it, applies. We see only the aftermath, not the grisly incident itself.

 

 

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